Tell me the funniest joke you have ever heard...and win!

[Hoss]

Ok, here's my latest scheme! Tell me the funniest CLEAN joke you have ever heard and if I think your joke is the funniest I will give you ALL if my Corral Cash!

Go ahead and crack me up!

Hoss

[rowand]

Why are women like pianos? --

--because either they are Upright or they are Grand

[disneyteddies]

Knock knock...Whose there? Interrupting cow...interruMOOOOO!!!!

[malaprop]

As all Christians know, when they came to arrest Jesus, one of his followers cut off the ear of one of the arresters. What do you call the weapon used to do so? The Axe of the Apostles.

The above joke, as I'm sure you've all noticed, is not very funny. It is however original, since I just made it up. I'll make up another one unless you plead with me not to.

[fulltimer56]

PLEASE PLEASE DON'T!!! Is that pleading enough for you!!! :P

[fulltimer56]

DARN, Clean jokes puts me out of the running because I don't know any!

Linda

[rowand]

If we take a strict line then original jokes aren't allowed either since HOSS asked for the funniest joke we'd ever heard.

I have been researching the local schools for my 5 year old to attend and not having a lick of sense (wife's opion here) I also researched local high schools. One local school is 98.6% Hispanic by attendence, and since the scool board in a cost cutting measure have reduced the number of Foreign Languages taught in a single school from several to only one, each. Except for the one Magnet School that is teaching ancient Mayan and Esperanto during the same year.

The high school that is virtually ALL spanish speaking Hispanics has drawn the straw for getting a Spanish Foreign Language course. I envision a fledgeling teacher facing his class for the first time and having the slow kid in the third row perpetually correcting his pronounciation. This is not a joke, this is Los Angeles.


In LA ESL stands for Espanol Segunda Lingua or Spanish as a Second Language!

[Greg]

So there are these two muffins in a an oven. One muffin looks over and says "Man it sure is hot in here". The other muffin says "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"

[malaprop]

PLEASE PLEASE DON'T!!! Is that pleading enough for you!!!

OK, you're safe for now. But nobody'd better cross me.

[Capitalrecoveryman]

Two bables are born in the same hospital on the same day and are lying in adjacent bassinets. Years later, by sheer coincidence, they find themselves sharing a room in the same hospital, both on their deathbeds. One turns to the other and says..."So, how was it?"

[rowand]

Continuing my assault on the Spanish Language:

A man who speaks only Spanish walks into a Habbadasher and asks in spanish if he could make the purchase of pairs of comfortable socks. When the snooty salesclerk finally gets the message that he has a paying customer they communicate in sign language and when the items are picked out the man says:

"Esso Si que ess!" or This is what I want!

The clerk jumps as if bitten and says "If you can spell it, why can't you say it?"

[rowand]

As the Ship painter and part time Dominatrix once said,

We will leave no stern untoned!

[Hoss]

hMMM...so far i have to go with the talking muffin!

C'mon folks...lots of corral cash up for grabs!

[rowand]

Jay Leno's last night's Monologue revisited

I understand that DC Comics, the big comic book company, is bringing back Batwoman! And she's going to be a Lesbian!

Well, really she's going to be Batwoman by night, and a gym teacher by day!

On Wednesday night Jay added her secret identity was Butch Wayne.

[rowand]

There's no one like Sheldon


A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour
and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi,
and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."

"Who?"

"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab
being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for
Sheldon every single time."

"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody",
stated the passenger.

"Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could
have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He
sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome
and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than
Arnold in his prime. He was something!

"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued.
"He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks out."

"Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger.

"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie.

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.

"After he died, I married his widow."

[btdhome]

A ham & cheese sandwich walks into a bar.
bartender looks up and says "sorry, we don't serve food here."

[rowand]

A horse walks into a bar and the server says, "Why the long face?"

[jaeldubyoo]

This one always cracks up my mother who is from the Old Country and doesn't understand much English. But she knows this one joke.

Johnny came running home and excitedly asked his mother for an apple.

"Why do you want an apple?" his mother asked.

Billy looked up and explained, "You're always telling me, 'An apple a day, keeps the doctor away'. I just broke Dr. Jones' window."

[malaprop]

I was going into the mall, and I saw a little kid, maybe 10 or 11, standing on the sidewalk crying his eyes out. He had a $50 bill in his hand. I asked what's the problem, and he said: "My soccer coach said I need to buy these real good soccer shoes, and my mother gave me $100 to get them. I was just going in when a man came up and grabbed one of the bills and ran away." "Do you mean to say that with people around and everything, nobody tried to help you?" "That's right" he sobbed. So I grabbed the other fifty and took off.

[rowand]

Hey, I tell ya, I don't get NO respect! NO respect at all! Take my third wife -- she gave great headache!

[rowand]

Benny Hill (dining in France): Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Pardon, monsieur?
Benny Hill: There's a Ruddy fly in my soup!
Waiter: Pardon?
Benny Hill: A fly, le mouche in my Vichyssoise!
Waiter: No monsieur, La mouche, La mouche, it'z male.
Benny Hill: You've got ruddy good eyes, you have, don't ya!

[jaeldubyoo]

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

[rowand]

Groucho: Wait a minute, you can't check into a hotel with empty luggage!
Chico: Hey, attsa no problem, Boss, sheza gonna be full when we leave!
Groucho: Remind me to check you out myself!

Groucho: I never make a deposit at a bank -- unless its a sperm bank, of course!

[jaeldubyoo]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

[rowand]

Two best friends are starting a round of golf when suddenly the Good Lord called one of them home via a fatal heart attack. It was mercifully painless and swift. That night the surviving friend described the experience to his wife.

"It was terrible! All day long, hit the ball, drag George. Hit the ball, drag George."

[jaeldubyoo]

Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.

[rowand]

Jay Leno Monologue last night:

Sources say that there is a great following of Superman by the gay community!

Guy wears a cape and tights and right away -- he's gay!

Jay Ken

[rowand]

What's the difference between a friendly place to buy an adult beverage and one of God's farts?

You buy an adult beverage in a Barroom, God's farts are "BAROOOOOOOOOOOOMMM"!

[fulltimer56]

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he's been putting off for weeks.

He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?"

The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her."

[fulltimer56]

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term

[fulltimer56]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

[fulltimer56]

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

"Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

[fulltimer56]

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

[fulltimer56]

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

[fulltimer56]

This isn't a joke but I couldn't help myself!

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo.

Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decoratingthem with tiger paws.
"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek.
"Freckles are beautiful." The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, Wrinkles."

[fulltimer56]

Hi Hoss,

When are you going to pick a winner?

Linda

[jaeldubyoo]

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"

[jaeldubyoo]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

[jaeldubyoo]

There are no Wal-Marts in Iraq. They're all Targets.

[jaeldubyoo]

They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

[camper49]

10 out of 2 people are Dyslexic.

[camper49]

Many people are crowded into a church for Sunday mass.
Suddenly Satan appears in front of the altar in a cloud of smoke and brimstone.
People are fighting to run out all exits while Satan stands there cackling.

Satan notices a man in his 80's quietly sitting in the pew, showing no fear.
He saunters up to the man and says, "Puny mortal, why do you not cower in fear at the mere sight of my personage?"

To which the old man replies, "Hey, I've been married to your sister for over 50 years, nothing fazes me anymore."

[camper49]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know. And I'm gonna get boobs, too."

[camper49]

One day a first grade teacher was reading Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer.
She read, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said The Sky is Falling!"
The teacher then asked the class, "What do you think that farmer said?"
A little girl raised her hand and said,"I think he said, Holy Shit a talking chicken!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[camper49]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

[rowand]

Dyslexics of the world Untie --you have nothing to lose but your way.

[Sgt Major Secrets]

q: Who was the most elastic man in the Bible

a: Balaam, because he tied his ass to a tree and walked 40 miles to Jerusalem.

[Sgt Major Secrets]

Woman: How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?

Man: How many?

Woman: Three.

Man: Why, three?

Woman: It just does, OKAY!

[fulltimer56]

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

[jaeldubyoo]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars.

During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent ..."

[rowand]

line from "My Favorite Year" spoken by Swan to Selma Diamond in a ladies room:

Lady: Hey, what are you doing in here? This is for the Ladies!

Swan: So is this Mum, but every now and then I have to run a little water through it!

[rowand]

How many survivors of the upcoming Atomic War will it take to change a light bulb?

None: When you glow in the dark, you don't need no stinking light bulb!

[jaeldubyoo]

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How's that?" the would be accountant asked.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively.

"Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to f***in' work!"

[camper49]

How many ex-husbands does it take to change a light bulb?

Nobody knows because they never get the house.

[camper49]

I purchased the new Barbie for my daughter, you know, the new Divorce Barbie....it comes with all of Ken's stuff.

[camper49]

A penguin brings his car into a mechanic's shop because it isn't riding so well.
The mechanic looks at it quickly, turns to the penguin and says, "Looks like you blew a seal"
The penguin wipes his chin and says, "oh no, I just had ice cream"

[rowand]

DC Comics is bringing back Batwoman and they're going to make her a Lesbian and aside from a short discussion of the pro's and con's of the use of flannel in capes I mentioned that she has been voted "Least Likely to have a Sidekick who says, 'To the Batpole!'"

That there's funny, right there, I don't care who you are! -- Larry, the Cable Guy

[capt.steel]

Funniest Joke in the World -

"Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"

[rowand]

Suggested name for the mascot on the "You Grade It!" board!

Fling, the Merciless! Emperor of Flung (until something stuck)!

I was going to bring up the creation of my living alien sewage creature who had been dumped on Earth by vacationing interstellar RV'ers (written in the style of Concrete and all those X-Puppies spin-offs)

X-Crete, the Living Compost Heap! Able to fertilize large fields with but a single step. Friend of the Silver Scarab and the Human Fly alike! Who, with his trusted sidekick, Jason (I'm just here for the eats) Woodrue, lead a never beginning battle to clean up crime!

Both comments don't really merit entry as a CLEAN joke really!

[rowand]

Things haven't stunk THIS bad since Galactus went on the All Gas Giant version of the Atkins Diet!

People get drinks in a barroom, When I pulled Galactus' finger, Earth went BARRRROOOOOM!

[jaeldubyoo]

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I had amnesia once -- maybe twice. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? They told me I was gullible.... and I believed them.. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. What if there were no hypothetical questions? One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people. When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? My weight is perfect for my height.... which varies. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. How can there be self-help "groups"? Is there another word for synonym? The speed of time is one second per second. Is it possible to be totally partial? What's another word for thesaurus? Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[jaeldubyoo]

A young ventriloquist is touring the Southwest and stops to entertain in an Arkansas bar. He's going through his usual stupid redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says threateningly, "I've heard just about enough of your smart mouth hillbilly jokes - we ain't all stupid here in Arkansas!" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy interrupts him and says, "You stay out of this mister-- I'm talking to the smart mouth little fella on your knee!"

[Hoss]

Get those final laughs in! I'm going to be giving ALL of my corral cash away this Friday evening! There have been some great entries (and a more than a few groaners) so I am excited about giving away all this cash! The timing is perfect because we are launching Corral Cash auctions every two days!

+

[cluelesscomicnewbi]

Got a couple groaners...

What did the girl melon say when the boy melon proposed?

We're too young, we cantaloupe.


Why did the annoying exterminator lose his job?

He bugged his boss.


What do pigs put in their computers?

Sloppy discs.

[Hoss]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."


OK it was a touch decision, but camper's entry take the big award! I hope you enjoy the CC!


On that note, let's keep on with the laughs! Just because the contest is over doesn't mean the laffs have to stop!

Hoss

[Hoss]

BTW, my corral cash balance was 98.38!

[camper49]

Hey thanks Hoss.
My usual forte is the one-liner quips that just come to me out of the blue...unrehearsed stuff.
Anyway, thanks for the prize, I'll spend it wisely.

[Hoss]

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"