PDA

View Full Version : Comics and my life-Sillyship/Keith



SILLYSHIP--pirate eye--
12-20-2006, 11:02 AM
They taught me what I was interested in was something that would change the way my character and soul would bring hope to me for the rest of my life. Whenever in doubt as to how to make a decision, those super heroes made it a little easier. I can say with all honesty that I have lead my life according to many priciples taught to me by comic books because I didn't have the luck to be brought up in a purely moralistic family. I know that others got it from other places, but I got it right here baby. Right here. When PP made a joke while in a stressed out indecisive moment I was right there with him.

If anyone here wants to challenge the idea that comics present a better world then go ahead.

I say, I am who I am because of comics.

My boss is a guy who pays me well, and is kind hearted, but believes in the thngs I don't.
He says things like:

Public schools should be eradicated. You aren't who you are because of schooling. you are who you are because of your own personality, your own diligence to succeed. "I didn't make it to where I am because of school. " "School does at least as much damage as it does good."

I think that if I can do one thing great before I die, do one thing really perfect, then I will have suceeded. It doesn't matter what I do, I could be happy doing anything as long as it's great.

You make decisions in life and you pay for them, if you live by a hurricane area, then you pay for it. (YEAH, this was in response to Katrina victims)

"I don't do what I do for the money, I could care less about the money"
"if it were'nt for my wife I wouldn't even charge"
Which is a lie on so many levels I'll have to start a whold new post on that.

When I asked if he would have tried to stop the nazi's had he been in 1940's Germany he hesitated so I added, Well of course you couldn't have stopped it, unless you decided to hide or try to smuggle people out, and then you'd be risking your life and your families, but you could have left. He said "I guess I would have left" But, this was a big breaking moment between us. He had stated earliar that he believed in not shaking the boat when I was asking about his opinion on the idea of the hero who sacrifices his life for the greater good. And that is why I brought on this question. In my opinion, he would've gone with the program. I cannot convey the moment properly, and so one should take my opinion of it with a grain of salt. In my heart, working for someone who even contimplates that allowing something like that to happen, is disgusting to me and I feel sick just working for him.

Once when I mentioned unions, he said "I hate unions, they are so corrupt." But when I mention the current political situation and how the president may not be truly elected and that corrupt corporate revolving door "politicians" are making money off of the war, he said that this stuff happens all of the time and it is no different than what has happened throughout history.

Early on when we met he told me he hates the idea of "Causes"

When at the corner of St. Francis and Paseo de Peralta in front of Bank of America, and that is exactly where we were, we saw a poor women with a sign held out begging money and he commented "Wow, her pockets are bulging" and made the most disgusting snicker and snide sideways look at me that I have ever witnessesed. I lilterally had to shake my head in disgust as I just wrote that. I understand that we all make decisions in our life, but once again, being one of those people who life was supposed to be fucked for, I know that it is not that easy. One wrong stance on life, one wrong reflected on memory and you're sitting on that corner. I'm lucky, not everyone is.

If there is one thing I know from growing up with a drug dealing, constant thief, manipulator, beater of women, children and the weak, liar scumbag of a father who used people his whole life and as a part of major Cuban Miami drug dealer rings it is that it is hard if not impossible to know who you are and what influences and what major traumatic experiences are affecting you when you make a decision if you had a "rough childhood" . I recently read Richard Wright's books "Black Boy" and "Native Son" and although they were very good at showing how a man fought agianst the life he was living, they were wrong to me on many levels. First of all, his early recollections were all so clear. My early recollections are all so foggy. When shit is fucked up you just don't know for sure what happened, and how to deal with it according to anyone's philosophy is even harder. But wait.....

The next part after re reading it is all me talking to myself, with many movie references.

SILLYSHIP--pirate eye--
12-20-2006, 11:03 AM
Why should you deal with it according to anyone elses philosophy? Because idiot (said to self) you cannot rely on your own experinces to know what is right and wrong. You were taught to cringe when you hear the song "The cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon" and to feel funny on Mother's day and Father's day. To feel funny at the site of a child receiving allowance or at the site of kids at the roller rink spending it. The American nuclear family is your enemy but as soon as you saw that first movie where the bitter kid made good with the kid trying do something well you knew that you could not be the kid doing either of those things anymore.....Unless you left your past completely behind. And then 38 years old midlife crisis hits and you still haven't found the "goal" or "love" of your life. Your still wondering why you don't fit in and why your not bitter and able to just drink yourself into a comma and not become bitter and not believe anymore.

I cannot hate. I cannot hate. I cannot hate. I love you all. I'ts not my fault that I can't relate to a house or a fucking car as I should.

Super heroes waste my time because I want to be one too badly. But I don't care. I will wait for that hero moment. I'll wait until I can do something right. I'll wait until I can make ammends for the sins of the father even though they shouldn't be mine.

I wont be recognized and I wont be great unless I get this out and it is known. And maybe then I wont be great. I can't be just regular happy and maybe comics are the reason why. I believe n justice so much that I don't know where to find it anymore. I am constantly compromising to it. I believe in comics and the heroes that saved me and yet I spend all of my fucking money on books that wont help anyone, but might make me safe and comfortable when I'm old. I hate comfortable, there is not a moment in any comic book where the hero is laying in lounge chair comfortable. And yet I am curently working for a comfortable future life. At 38 I'm loosing my hair, I'm not the super strong/trim construction worker I was and my teeth are falling apart and I have to make a decision. Do I spend the rest of my life fighting for what I believe in or do I just make myself comfortable? Am I me because of my mind? Am I me because of what I believe? Am I me or am I anyone that may inhabit my mind at the moment?

On a monetary side, I have enough comics/records/books etc. to sell and live for a long time. I could easily sell stuff on eBay as a 30 hour a week job, if and only if I stay away from other internet activities, and spend the rest of my time doing something else. I could give up my idea of comics as a reirement plan and live a life that I believe in. Helping people.

Helping people to live and be OK. We're not all equal and I know that, but the lies of equality are so prevelant. We cannot all be happy the same way and yet we're all forced to live according to the same basic principles of happiness
Career--one interest, one thing you do well and once you do it, you cannot quit. You know what the problem is with that? We can't all be lawyers. I was a great tile setter, which was the trade my Father used to hide his drug dealing trade and I was forced to learn. I ran his crews when I was 18 because he was off doing other stuff, and I learned the trade because I tried, and later because I had nothing else. But I was never able to work for someone else as a day worker, just put in your 8 hours no matter what. All throught my 15 years in construction I could never understand the idea of working for 8 hours even if you didn't have to. I could get the work done in 4, but the rest of the guys would tell me to slow down. If I had a dime for every time I heard "Keith your problem is you work too slow." and eventually it caught up to me and I landed a "shop" job as a guy who managed inventory and crew and fixed tools (I could relate to that) and drove, because anyone with no DWI's in NM is valuable, and couldn't handle hanging out in the shop with the guys who were paying mortgages with there 40 hour a week checks, making jokes in the day and going home at night. So I quit and went back to school as an art student. I was making art at night at home and everyone knew me as an artist, so it made sense. I took out loans and got a job at the school and that's when I got net savy and started to deal comics and books on eBay and Amazon. I am one class away from a degree and I've been dragging that out for three semesters. Now due to my hard work and aquired skills I finally ended up doing "skilled work" and make $22.50/hr for the guy I work for. I make $22.50/hr. and am more miserable than if I made $7/hr. washing dishes.

Why constuction work?
I loved being strong and tan and working out doors and struggling and the militaryish work ethics. You either got it done or....It's right in front of you, not done. I could have long hair, which if any of you remember, was something that could get you not accepted for a job back then, and I could smoke pot. Yeah, I was a pot smoker and one day gave it up. I was into love and had two serious girlfriends throughuot my twenties. I loved sex, didn't smoke tobacco and didn't drink except in social situations. I loved being in love and having sex with my girlfriends. I now wish I would have married one of them. They are both still beautiful and wonderful. As I sit here with 11 empty beers, what can I say, I didn't close on the deal.


And now what?

Suicide?

NO!

Movies to help me feel. I just watched (on the third time, because Redbox was out of anythng else to rent.) Marky Mark in "invnincible" live the life I could have had. A guy down on his luck who made good. Funy thing is, the character in this movie, Papale, is the same age as me.